The Perfect Bacon Sandwich

Today, my ever-vigilant girlfriend pointed out an article describing the secrets to a perfect bacon sandwich. Apparently, a few British scientists are leaving other important academic research on topics such as quantum chromodynamics, cancer research, and the Riemann hypothesis to other luminaries while they focus on unsolved problems more important to the common man.

The Leeds University researchers were kind enough to share their secret formula on the Grand Unified Theory of Bacon (GUToB) with the rest of the world:

N = C + {f_b(c_m) · f_b(t_c)} + f_b(T_s) + f_c · t_a,
where N is force in newtons, f_b is a function of the bacon type, f_c is a function of the condiments, T_s is the serving temperature, t_c is the cooking time, t_a is the time to insert the condiments, c_m is the cooking method, and C is the breaking strain of the uncooked bacon (in newtons).

I do, however, have a few questions about the function f_b: What is its domain? Is it time, as the expression f_b(t_c) would suggest, or is it temperature, which one would infer from the expression f_b(T_s)? Could it be a multivariable function of time and temperature? Is it continuous or even perhaps differentiable? The world wonders.

While we are on the subject of bacon sandwiches, allow me to take the opportunity to right a wrong. In a previous post discussing the perfect BLT, I neglected to give proper kudos to the BLT sandwiches that were the centerpiece of Sunday brunch at lovely home of Jeremiah and Tesha during their stay in Germany. The combination of Alsatian bacon, garlic mayo, and fresh basil on crusty German bread was amazing. Now that they have made their return back to the Bay Area, I hope to partake in one of their bacon-filled brunches again soon.