Thursday, April 12, 2007

The Perfect Bacon Sandwich

Today, my ever-vigilant girlfriend pointed out an article describing the secrets to a perfect bacon sandwich. Apparently, a few British scientists are leaving other important academic research on topics such as quantum chromodynamics, cancer research, and the Riemann hypothesis to other luminaries while they focus on unsolved problems more important to the common man.

The Leeds University researchers were kind enough to share their secret formula on the Grand Unified Theory of Bacon (GUToB) with the rest of the world:

N = C + {fb(cm) · fb(tc)} + fb(Ts) + fc · ta,

where N is force in newtons, fb is a function of the bacon type, fc is a function of the condiments, Ts is the serving temperature, tc is the cooking time, ta is the time to insert the condiments, cm is the cooking method, and C is the breaking strain of the uncooked bacon (in newtons).

I do, however, have a few questions about the function fb: What is its domain? Is it time, as the expression fb(tc) would suggest, or is it temperature, which one would infer from the expression fb(Ts)? Could it be a multivariable function of time and temperature? Is it continuous or even perhaps differentiable? The world wonders.

While we are on the subject of bacon sandwiches, allow me to take the opportunity to right a wrong. In a previous post discussing the perfect BLT, I neglected to give proper kudos to the BLT sandwiches that were the centerpiece of Sunday brunch at lovely home of Jeremiah and Tesha during their stay in Germany. The combination of Alsatian bacon, garlic mayo, and fresh basil on crusty German bread was amazing. Now that they have made their return back to the Bay Area, I hope to partake in one of their bacon-filled brunches again soon.


Jeremiah said...


Aw, shucks. You sweet talker!

We need to get those fired up again soon...

I've been sampling the bacon in the Beigh Arya, but am totally disappointed so far. Allegedly the bacon from the Fatted Calf is amazing, so the plan is to try that this weekend.

Why is American bacon so tasteless? I dunna get it.

Loren said...

Jeremiah, have you tried Hobbs bacon? It's locally produced in San Rafael. I can't actually recall if I've tried it before, but you might want to check it out this weekend if you can't get any bacon from the Fatted Calf.

Doctor No said...

Can you go over that formula again?

Loren said...


Don't worry - I'll give you the formula during the exam. You'll just need to know how to apply it to the word problems.

Doctor No said...

So this will be on the exam?

Loren said...


If you ever bothered to show up to class, then perhaps you would know...